A Walk In the Woods

During the long Memorial Day weekend, decided to take a hike in the woods of eastern Washington. The weather was a bit moody but then so was I. It just felt good to get out of town and revel in the chaos of nature.


As we stomped our way through Icicle Creek Gorge, we took in the spectacular views of the Cascades. It alternated from clouds to sunbreaks as we climbed towards the top of the trail, a hawk soaring above our heads. Unfortunately my troubled mind kept nagging at me, telling me that I still haven’t found peace.. only beauty.

There is still a ghost dancing in my head but it only points the way to where I should be heading. Yet stubbornly I just sit down in the middle of the ‘road’ and wallow in my self-pity. I need to try to get past this block and see what is ahead. The hike only allows my emotions to be examined without distraction and the feelings become heavy, angry and conflicted.

The river rages along the side of the trail and noise fills my ears. It is a companion to the emotions raging in my mind. Unaware to my friend Bill, I wish I didn’t feel this way but I put on a facade to cover up my inner conflict. I use my photography to capture where I was to examine at another time when I can appreciate it fully.

Not surprisingly I can’t help but wonder when I will come to terms with some of my feelings. Can’t drown them with rum & cokes forever I guess. But I know it isn’t a hopeless situation and need to take it easy on myself.

“Time and motion
Flesh and blood and fire
Lives connect in webs of gold and razor wire

Spin a thread of precious contact
Squeeze in all that you can find
Spontaneous relations
And the long-enduring kind.”

Losing and Finding Myself

For the past couple years I felt like I was lost in my life and my existence. Slowly drifting into some shadow world where I was barely touching our plane of existence, wandering a level of Purgatory. I realize that the world is not a happy place but everything just was without color and substance. I had trouble comprehending books I would read, things I was watching, people I was talking with. It got me into trouble sometimes but I was somehow able to compensate for it. But my cognitive functions were degrading, my wit dulled by inactivity, my intelligence submerged under a dark sea and my humor faded.

The past few months I have been wandering back to the default world and critically examining the pieces of my life. Also living by myself is tough but I was looking forward to the solitude to find out who I was. What I discovered is that previously I had defined myself not by who I was but how I could change myself to make other people happy. Unconsciously it made me very miserable and soon learned that I couldn't live that way. Once I started letting myself come out, I was able to see some of the pieces of my puzzle.

I am now revisiting some books I haven't read in awhile (or ones I read but not very well at the time). Also watching some episodes of Crusade and Firefly that I wasn't enjoying before. I also realized that I have been suppressing my sex drive and that can never be healthy. Now I'm ready to explore who I am, who I would like to spend time with and make sure I'm being myself. Sometimes you need to go out on a limb because that is where all the fruit is.


Current Mood: creative
Current Music: Luscious Jackson - Angel