Losing and Finding Myself

For the past couple years I felt like I was lost in my life and my existence. Slowly drifting into some shadow world where I was barely touching our plane of existence, wandering a level of Purgatory. I realize that the world is not a happy place but everything just was without color and substance. I had trouble comprehending books I would read, things I was watching, people I was talking with. It got me into trouble sometimes but I was somehow able to compensate for it. But my cognitive functions were degrading, my wit dulled by inactivity, my intelligence submerged under a dark sea and my humor faded.

The past few months I have been wandering back to the default world and critically examining the pieces of my life. Also living by myself is tough but I was looking forward to the solitude to find out who I was. What I discovered is that previously I had defined myself not by who I was but how I could change myself to make other people happy. Unconsciously it made me very miserable and soon learned that I couldn't live that way. Once I started letting myself come out, I was able to see some of the pieces of my puzzle.

I am now revisiting some books I haven't read in awhile (or ones I read but not very well at the time). Also watching some episodes of Crusade and Firefly that I wasn't enjoying before. I also realized that I have been suppressing my sex drive and that can never be healthy. Now I'm ready to explore who I am, who I would like to spend time with and make sure I'm being myself. Sometimes you need to go out on a limb because that is where all the fruit is.


Current Mood: creative
Current Music: Luscious Jackson - Angel